February 14, 2007
Dear Carmen:
You were right. We
did have a communication problem.
There was too much of it from
you about the following:
1. Why football why all sports are brutal
boring pointless and why don’t I care about having
anything nice like everybody else we have to get a new sofa just look at this hopelessly
outdated doesn’t go with anything in this whole room is wrong
2. Why we have to go along with what the nearest and dearest dozen
sisters in your coven are plotting
3. Why we should be doing whatever “Mother says” we should be
doing
4. Why
your Aunt Emilia’s imagined “mature” romance crashed because men are pigs
5. Why
all men are pigs
6. Why
I am a pig
7. Why
I am insensitive inconsiderate callous stone-cold heartless cruel
8. Why
you don’t remember using those words and anyway why I should have known
9. Why
you kept insisting that outfit made you look fat and
10. Why I should not have finally agreed
11. Why I can’t wear this with that if you are
going to be seen in public with what I wear reflects on you are not going to be
seen in public with some ignorant tasteless et cetera
12. Why you should have all the closet space
bathroom space drawer space and I can put my clothes and those other things in
the basement or the garage or the tool-shed plenty of room and
why all I need is one bottom drawer and anyway you said you would let me
hang my shaving kit on the back of the bathroom door under the towel
13. Why we don’t need a tool-shed completely
destroys the ambiance and why if I really loved you I would show it and why you could
have done so much better if you had just listened to your mother would be a
happy woman today and not miserable just miserable living in this hell the
tragedy of your life has et cetera
14. Why I have to go to the drugstore for your
“those days” and yet keep it at all costs a Classified State Secret from even
the pharmacist and the cashier
15. Why we should share the washing drying ironing
picking-up dusting vacuuming sweeping mopping cooking dishwashing
bathroom-cleaning and
16. Why it is completely out of the question to
expect you (even though you are “strong as a woman”) to lift even one of your 12 fingers to help me take out the garbage mow the lawn trim the hedge rake the leaves clean the gutters change
the oil/the tire get gas shovel the snow feed the/walk the dog rescue the/take
the cat to the vet take your tailored silk to/get your tailored silk from the
cleaners get the
Wait. Now I get it. Only 12
fingers.
Well here’s another one for
you.
