LETTER TO MY EX

February 14, 2007 

Dear Carmen: 

You were right.  We did have a communication problem. 

There was too much of it from you about the following: 

1.  Why football why all sports are brutal boring pointless and why don’t I care about having anything nice like everybody else we have to get a new sofa just look at this hopelessly outdated doesn’t go with anything in this whole room is wrong  

2.  Why we have to go along with what the nearest and dearest dozen sisters in your coven are plotting  

3.  Why we should be doing whatever “Mother says” we should be doing 

4.  Why your Aunt Emilia’s imagined “mature” romance crashed because men are pigs 

5.  Why all men are pigs 

6.  Why I am a pig 

7.  Why I am insensitive inconsiderate callous stone-cold heartless cruel 

8.  Why you don’t remember using those words and anyway why I should have known 

9.  Why you kept insisting that outfit made you look fat and 

10.  Why I should not have finally agreed 

11.  Why I can’t wear this with that if you are going to be seen in public with what I wear reflects on you are not going to be seen in public with some ignorant tasteless et cetera  

12.  Why you should have all the closet space bathroom space drawer space and I can put my clothes and those other things in the basement or the garage or the tool-shed plenty of room and why all I need is one bottom drawer and anyway you said you would let me hang my shaving kit on the back of the bathroom door under the towel

13.  Why we don’t need a tool-shed completely destroys the ambiance and why if I really loved you I would show it and why you could have done so much better if you had just listened to your mother would be a happy woman today and not miserable just miserable living in this hell the tragedy of your life has et cetera  

14.  Why I have to go to the drugstore for your “those days” and yet keep it at all costs a Classified State Secret from even the pharmacist and the cashier   

15.  Why we should share the washing drying ironing picking-up dusting vacuuming sweeping mopping cooking dishwashing bathroom-cleaning and  

16.  Why it is completely out of the question to expect you (even though you are “strong as a woman”) to lift even one of your 12 fingers to help me take out the garbage mow the lawn trim the hedge rake the leaves clean the gutters change the oil/the tire get gas shovel the snow feed the/walk the dog rescue the/take the cat to the vet take your tailored silk to/get your tailored silk from the cleaners get the  

Wait. Now I get it. Only 12 fingers.

Well here’s another one for you.